Closing a chapter

I cannot believe how fast time went by since my last post. I got caught up in the excitement of free fruit at the festival that I forgot everything I had been doing.

Yin yoga went out the window as did meditation and in hindsight I think I could have been a better friend to the one who had taken ill and was in hospital.

Yesterday Chanthaburi was still buzzing with sugar junkies but today everyone left and it's been so quiet, but it's such a welcome relief. I really enjoyed being around people, but looking back at the last week I can honestly say I am glad to be returning home and not making the trip to Chiang Mai.

If there's one thing I've learned on my trip it's that I am very much still a loner, although I do appreciate having certain people in my life to talk to and be with. As with everything I must find balance.

I cried today because tomorrow I will leave Chanthaburi and head to Bangkok in preparation for my flight in 4 days, but I'll be leaving behind 2 amazing people who I met here last year. Mikkel and Mads have had a big impact on my life and it dawned on me that I've become attached to them, which is why I will find it difficult to say goodbye.

Out of everyone I've met on my travels, they're the most genuine, kind, caring, down to Earth, humble, grateful and intelligent people (I mean no offence to anyone else, you all are special to me, but these brothers are more so!). I enjoy being with them because they have a calming presence and I feel so comfortable in my own skin, I can be myself and I don't fear judgement from them.

However, I must break the attachment in order to grow as a spiritual being because it's the ego that has created it. I think I must grieve in order to continue moving forward. Deep down I know the work I do on myself will be worth it, but I often hesitate for fear of the unknown. I cover up my issues with obsessions, so I have never truly faced myself before.

When I return home I will close one chapter of my life and will open a new one, I hope that I can face myself and resolve the underlying issues once and for all.

Progression into a spiritual being

I've been working on awareness recently and I've been reading about the truth. It talks about humans being of an animal mind and it's not the first time I've heard that, but previously I wasn't ready to let it sink in. 

I believe I'm learning what I need to know now, but there's been so many moments where I think "A-ha!" and then in the next moment I've been pulled back into the mind and forgotten all about the spirit. The book I'm reading says that will happen all the time if you're constantly surrounded by people of the (animal) mind, which is 99.99% of the population. 

It's funny that the hours, days, weeks and months of "loneliness" I've spent recently have been filled with periods of meaningless thoughts and now I'm actually seeing the truth of life when I have a big social group around me. 

I want to live in the present moment and I know from my recent experiences that it's very hard to do when around other minds, so the question is, do I go it alone and remove myself from these social situations or do I keep allowing myself to "enjoy the moment" and deal with it later? 

The whole point of knowing the truth is to accept that I must live in this moment, and I've learned that to be in this moment I must focus on being aware, and to be aware I must be alone. 

During the last two days I made a conscious decision to be aware, but as soon as I talk or interact with someone else I slip into autopilot again and I end up saying things before thinking, which has made me a hypocrite in some circumstances and I have reflected on these incidents and been shocked at my lack of awareness. 

It's really difficult to switch off the mind/ego and be fully aware 100% of the time, even 20% of the time in most situations, and I am a little bit annoyed that I'm only just discovering/implementing this information into my daily life when I'm surrounded by other people. But life works in funny ways and I really need to decide what's the most important thing in my life right now and for my true future, especially what's beyond this human existence right now. 

I think you may wonder what will happen to my blog and YouTube channel because I keep taking breaks. Well I imagine I'll be taking a permanent break soon whilst I connect to the truth. 

Perhaps I'll start sharing what I've learned. One day, after I've come to fully understand it. 

Until then I guess I'll just fill you in on what I'm doing as and when I feel inspired to do so. 

I really hope you're all well. I return to the UK on 4th June and I'm very much looking forward to plenty of hugs from my family. My dad isn't very affectionate, but he will be soon enough, I plan to get as many hugs as possible that it will become second nature! 

Peace and love

Jennifer x

Yin Yoga

One of my goals for a while now has been to practice yoga. I remember I hated my first ever class, I just didn't get it and I was put off by it but when I tried it again with a different teacher it just clicked. 

I never really went to a class consistently for a few years after that but when I moved to Redditch I attended a Yoga Fitness class, which was intense but so enjoyable. Since then I haven't practiced yoga consistently despite trying my best to motivate myself at home. However, I now believe I have found the practice most suitable to me. 

I discovered Yin Yoga in Bali, thanks to Beverley who gave me her class allowance once she left. I can remember the session as if it were yesterday and I can tell you how much I hated it. I can still hear the teacher talk about her own experience in her first class to which she too hated. I laugh about it now. 

Why do most people hate it on their first try? Well Yin Yoga is about holding a pose for 5 or more minutes. It can be pretty intense, especially if you're not particularly flexible. In my first session I wanted to cry, scream, shout and walk out. Mentally I wasn't prepared, physically I wasn't able! But now I actually love it! I feel amazing and I've been doing it everyday for almost 1 week. 

I finally feel like this is the way I'll increase my flexibility, bring awareness to my life and connect to my body. I am a very impatient person, but I really think practicing Yin Yoga will help with this too. I'm also lazy and like to lay around, so this is perfect because often the poses require me to lay down for 5 minutes at a time! The added benefit is that I'll improve my flexibility as a result. Bonus! 

I'm normally rushing around thinking I need to do things fast so it's finally nice to find the balance and practice Yin Yoga to go slow, relax and take the time to improve an area of my body. 

This morning I found a lesson on YouTube and I want to share it with you. 

Enjoy and let me know if you do it, or if you've ever taken a Yin Yoga class before. 

Food fantasies

Day 3 of the fast and I have been thinking about food all day. It seems the only time I don't think about food is when I'm asleep, so I try to sleep as often as my body allows. 

When I do sleep I get these huge energy expansions in my stomach and head and it feels almost euphoric. That's the major benefit of doing this right now. 

So I have been trying to be aware by focusing on my breathing, but that only brings my attention to my empty stomach and then I start thinking about food again. I hoped to get a lot of spiritual things from this, but I think I'm just too afraid of facing my inner self because it's a real struggle to be still. I'm constantly distracting myself. 

For instance, I've made so many lists of foods that I want to eat after fasting in Thailand and I've also made lists of foods I want to eat when I return to the UK. 

I'm also very surprised that I've not eaten the dates I've been eyeing up in my room, but the only reason I don't eat them is because they don't actually taste that good! The only other food I have here are spring onions, which of course would never be a good food to eat alone! 

I am definitely not going to fast again anytime soon. 

I am grateful for having the courage to keep going and I appreciate having the abundance of time everyday. 

Another water fast

So I'm doing another water fast and it's been my worst experience so far. 

Firstly, I have been using a technique of drinking coconut milk to get into ketosis. I've experimented with this method around 5 times now and the last 3 times has been with prepackaged coconut milk (rather cream) from the supermarket. 

When I was at home I'd make my own coconut milk by blending a mature coconut and lots of water. Here in Thailand they extract the pure milk from the coconut meat only, which is why I call it cream. I dilute what I buy here but it's still so sickly. 

After I drank it I felt so ill and after a few hours of gagging and feeling horrible I decided to make myself vomit. Now let me tell you quickly that this practice is very rare for me and I have only ever done it in the past when I've felt so ill that the choice to suffer all night would be more painful than to purge. Especially when alcohol was involved. 

So my fast started off terribly, although after I slept it off I felt aright and my throat had healed quickly from the burning! Today was the second day and I felt alright for the majority of the day, but I did sleep for most of the morning. The afternoon was horrible because every thought I had was about food. 

I started fantasising about the food I'd eat to break the fast. I ended up consuming some coconut oil to see if it would put an end to the thoughts. Nope. 

I started reading some fasting forums and reminded myself of why I'm doing this and the benefits I'll get out of it, but somehow I still cannot shake the thoughts of food. 

People say the 3rd or 4th days are the hardest but for me I can't get through 3 full days. Well I haven't really had a full day if you count the milk and oil! It's just a constant battle in my head. 

I rely on food for comfort and right now I need comfort and support so it's a real struggle for me. It's like a smoker trying to quit cigarettes or an alcoholic giving up alcohol. Food is my drug and I just want rehabilitation. To know that food is there but I no longer have to abuse it to be "normal".

I'm in a better environment now than I have previously been, so I don't know why I'm still struggling as much. The most important lesson I've learned recently is not to beat myself up over this. Although most of the time I feel like I could do better. 

I'm grateful for life and I appreciate the position I am in to be able to take these opportunities to develop.