Fantasies

I've been living in a bubble recently, allowing my imagination to run wild with possible scenarios for what could happen to me in the immediate future. Whilst this can bring up joyful and pleasant thoughts, it's just not very productive. 

I've spent most of my life living in a fantasy land, probably because I've been too afraid of facing up to my reality and living in the present moment. I can see that what I've been doing recently is avoiding the issues I have right now. 

Whilst it's nice to have warm fuzzy thoughts about a member of the opposite sex, it's counter productive due to my choice to be celibate and to be alone to find out who I am as a spirit. I've allowed the ego to rule for so long that now I am awakening it would be a shame to let it continue to rule my decisions. 

Tonight I had this realisation as my school girl crush ate meat and drank beer. I have vowed to be vegan sexual, meaning I will not have a relationship with anyone who isn't vegan and on top of that I give my body to God. In this day and age finding someone of the opposite sex who fits in with my goals is almost impossible. 

Most people tell me I'll meet someone and fall in love, but after 12 years of loving numerous men (conditionally) and then being told by that one special guy that we're not compatible I think it's better if I stop spending time thinking about it and use the time in other productive ways. 

I'm not looking for external love. I still need to love myself entirely. Sure it's nice to be close to people, to hold, caress and kiss, but I'm getting to that point where it doesn't matter anymore. As long as I meet people who can touch my soul then I know I'm progressing.