Update

It's been a few days since I've posted. I haven't been doing much, just spending time with myself and enjoying these moments. 

For the majority I have been in Benjakitti Park, jogging, cycling, doing yoga and meditating. It has be wonderful. Add a ukulele to that and it has been a good time for my creativity. 

I climbed a tree for the first time in years. I didn't go too far up, but it was high enough for me to feel I accomplished something great! 

I attempted another waterfast but this time I didn't even make it 24 hours before I ate! It's been suggested that I do a colon cleanse first so the food is out of my system and that should take away any food cravings. In all honesty Bangkok isn't the best place to do it, especially being surrounded by food everywhere you go. There's not one street that you can walk down without seeing some form of food, even if it's something I wouldn't eat. 

I have been in contact with a few people recently trying to organise hangouts, a girl I met in KK is now here in Bangkok but we haven't been able to meet yet, then I have a new fruity contact who is arriving tonight and there's another world traveller who I met back in Liverpool who is arriving by plane tonight. We'll see what happens, but it is difficult organising meetups over the internet when I can only access WiFi when I'm in my accommodation. 

I have paid for 4 more nights in my hostel but I have to move to another room this morning. I had the room to myself last night, but they don't want me to be in this room again whilst it's empty, probably for electricity purposes, I'd rather be alone though! 

I have started to feel confused again with life. What I should be doing, what my purpose is. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and that's not a fun thing to do. Sure, I'm travelling and enjoying it, but I don't feel like I'm making adequate use of my time. I do appreciate that I am here and have this life, but I'm not perfect so of course I'll have these thoughts. Perhaps I'll start looking into working in return for accommodation and some food. 

With regards to my new found obsession with the ukulele, I haven't decided what I'll buy and now I'm even doubting my decision to buy one. Mainly because the guy in the shop was awesome and my stupid sun sign trait of perfectionism is making me feel inadequate, but also because I don't know if I will just get distracted by other things and feel like I wasted money buying something I never use.

But let's face it, the last few days have been the best because I took the time to learn how to play it, so I think it'll be a worthwhile investment overall. 

So let me get a bit more personal here. I've also been craving attention, particularly from men. I know I've decided celibacy is the right path for me to take now, but that still doesn't dissolve the thoughts of having male company. Perhaps it's just my old habits coming into play, but I do miss the warmth of another human, from just being close to someone, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, but I don't miss the act of sex. Quite the contrary, when I think about sex I just cannot imagine me ever doing it again. I just want an intellectual conversation and some snuggles. 

I guess I need to try harder to find out why I want this attention. Is it habit? Is it because I see others have it and social convention tells me that's what I should want? 

This is causing so much confusion that I feel I am ready to go and take part in this 10 day silent meditation retreat. Or perhaps I should just do my own. Go to a remote area, switch off my tablet and take part in this water fast. The city has many distractions. I feel I need to go deeper within myself to find the answers I'm looking for.