Fantasies

I've been living in a bubble recently, allowing my imagination to run wild with possible scenarios for what could happen to me in the immediate future. Whilst this can bring up joyful and pleasant thoughts, it's just not very productive. 

I've spent most of my life living in a fantasy land, probably because I've been too afraid of facing up to my reality and living in the present moment. I can see that what I've been doing recently is avoiding the issues I have right now. 

Whilst it's nice to have warm fuzzy thoughts about a member of the opposite sex, it's counter productive due to my choice to be celibate and to be alone to find out who I am as a spirit. I've allowed the ego to rule for so long that now I am awakening it would be a shame to let it continue to rule my decisions. 

Tonight I had this realisation as my school girl crush ate meat and drank beer. I have vowed to be vegan sexual, meaning I will not have a relationship with anyone who isn't vegan and on top of that I give my body to God. In this day and age finding someone of the opposite sex who fits in with my goals is almost impossible. 

Most people tell me I'll meet someone and fall in love, but after 12 years of loving numerous men (conditionally) and then being told by that one special guy that we're not compatible I think it's better if I stop spending time thinking about it and use the time in other productive ways. 

I'm not looking for external love. I still need to love myself entirely. Sure it's nice to be close to people, to hold, caress and kiss, but I'm getting to that point where it doesn't matter anymore. As long as I meet people who can touch my soul then I know I'm progressing. 

Compulsive eating

I've noticed over the last week that my eating habits have become out of hand. Now I want to put down my thoughts and ideas as to why. 

I noticed that I wanted to eat because of boredom. It's not that I lack things to do here, there's plenty I can do, but I choose not to do anything and so I replace those activities with food. 

I am aware that I also become very drained around non native English speakers. It's easy enough for me to understand broken English nowadays, but when someone takes half an hour to tell me something that I could have said in 5 minutes (over exaggeration to get my point across) then I become very tired and want to retreat to my own space where I won't be disturbed by people. 

I use food as a way to escape. If I'm eating people are less inclined to have a conversation with me and the same for if I'm preparing things. 

I have forgotten that it's OK to just sit and breathe. Sometimes I think I should be doing something, even if that means eating when I'm not hungry. This precious time is vital and is called meditation! I need to get back into a routine where I meditate, love myself, give thanks, pray and contemplate. I've not been doing this recently. 

Going back to the point regarding people, I recently read an article about addiction and the discovery that it's not the drug that makes people become addicted, it's their environment, how they feel, how they interact with the world around them. In the back of my mind I have these thoughts that I am alone, there's no one like me who I will meet right now and so I go misunderstood. I cannot fully explain my being and if I could I'd be faced with unanswerable questions so I guess I bury it away and that's hiding who I am. 

Food is the easiest way to forget this or mask it because it's always been there for me. I have always eaten for comfort in the past so it's a habit I need to break. 

It's like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Right now I'm on that step backwards, but soon enough I'll be moving forward again and fingers crossed I'll be able to say I conquered compulsive eating. 

Thailand Blog :: weekend round off

Right, I've been slacking. I'm going to try to sum up my last few days in a paragraph each and no more.

Friday was an early finish at the school. Some kids stayed over on Thursday night (and I watched Charlie and the chocolate factory with them -  the Johnny Depp version. Wow is he fit when he plays odd characters!) I didn't really do much either. The kids played "Olympics" and I was the score keeper! After lunch I got on the bike and rode to Bang Saen with ukulele in tow. I found a park (with no grass) and cycled up the promenade where there was so much seafood and surprisingly durian! I bought an avocado for 75baht at Tops Market and cycled home.

Saturday I debated cycling to Pattaya. It took about 2 hours before I finally decided I was going so I got on the bike around 10.30am. Pattaya is 37km from where I'm staying and there's just one road, Sukhumvit highway 3. It took just over 2 hours and I was so happy when I saw Rasayana. So easy to find. I got 3 courses, veggie sandwich, nut loaf and strawberry mouse pie, which was frozen! Then I cycled to Central Festival Mall, bought mosquito spray, nuts and watched some guys dance in the arcade area. Then I cycled to find The Sanctuary of Truth, but the price said 500baht and with the sun falling I decided I'd go. I was almost hit once on the way home, I started crying shortly after and I stopped at the market before finally settling back at home. 

Today I had pins and needles and numbness in my hand, the one I fell onto when I fell over with the bike. I ended up cycling to the 2 temples though and buying coconuts. Then I went to the market and have pretty much eaten all day long. I just watched the documentary called McLibel and now I'm in bed listening to Nelly Furtado and sending pics of my silly faces to someone! 

The first mangoes were harvested from the farm yesterday so I'm going to be stuffing my face before I go! Yum. 

Off to bed and ready for another day of school tomorrow. Goodnight! 

Thailand Blog :: school

It was my 4th day at the school and it went slightly better. My job today was to look after the art room and instruct the children to make a toy. They were grouped in age range so that it's easier for us to help. 

The ideas that the kids came up with started off terribly from the first group. I asked one girl what toys she played with and she said none. These children come from wealthy families, but I guess they aren't spoilt like us westerners. I asked about dolls, doll houses, building blocks, cars, etc. Her response was she played with her cousin and they didn't have toys. Hmm... I was stumped. 

I expected at least one child to suggest making a computer device (because they love playing on the laptop) but not one person suggested it. In England there would be a class of 20 and only 5 people would suggest something other than a tablet/ipad/phone. It goes to show how different our countries are... 

I got the most enthusiasm from my final group, which made the last hour go by so quick. Only 1 person wanted to make a weapon, which was also surprising. Boys normally want to play with guns or swords! 

I have to say that these kids are so cute though. Asian children have an extra cuteness factor, even if English isn't their first language and I struggle to understand them. It's the big brown eyes, dark hair and skin. I just sit a laugh sometimes. But no matter what skin, race or religion, all children are the same. Innocent, strange and random :P

I'm going to stay until the 28th and then I will go on to another voluntary experience. 

Thailand Blog :: first day volunteering

Wow... There are no other words for now.

My first day was a huge shock to my system, I had forgotten what it's like to work with children. They're so energetic, full of life and very noisy!

I woke up at 6pm and got back into my routine of stretching with some yoga moves, tomorrow I'll do more because I had so much free time in the morning. My plan was to eat when I'm hungry, but it's impossible when you follow a schedule and it's one of the topics covered in the book Man's Higher Consciousness that I recommended a few weeks ago. We force ourselves to eat due to jobs (some people may not be fortunate enough to eat as and when they desire, so they must eat when they can or "starve"). 

So I ended up helping cut up fruit this morning, which was fine. I was requested to carve love hearts into the watermelon pieces, which was quite fun, but when one of the boys was failing to peel the rock hard green mangoes I took over his job. I don't know why Thai people love to eat unripe mango... It's just sour and too crunchy. 

After that class started and it was mayhem. They're currently running a summer school program and normal outside children are enrolled so there's more children than normal and they're not all up to the same level with English. I struggled with one girl who was either severely shy or didn't know any English. She just looked at me blankly and I had no idea how to speak with her. 

My task was to supervise the juggling ball making, which is using balloons and rice by the way. You funnel some rice into a bottle, blow up a balloon and place it over the bottle before tipping the rice inside, then you chop off part of the balloon and the same on a flat balloon and wrap it over, repeat with a 3rd balloon. It was not relaxing at all... I'm a perfectionist and I get stressed surrounded by mess (OK so my bedroom is a different story) so I was frantically trying to help and keep the place tidy! 

I had a very good time with one little girl who is partially sighted, it looks like she has cataracts, but she had the most life singing and jumping around. She liked to come to me and have me pull faces. I enjoyed that a lot. I love pulling faces, in fact I would do it all the time with my reflection at university. I was my own friend haha

Part of me was thinking I'm not cut out for this and I will leave on Friday, but then part of my wants to keep going because that little girl made my day and I want to see how the children progress. I will decide by Wednesday though. 

The major downside are mainly the heat, showers, mosquitos and flies. I was spoilt in Bangkok with air conditioning and the shower was awesome too. I did have to out up with mosquitos in my hostel though and flies too but no where near as bad as this. Someone said we attract these things because of the level of our vibration, but I think that's total BS because I've been high, low and in between and it never differs, they always seem to want to be on me like they're on dog shit. 

That's the main highlights of my day. Right now I'm just chilling in front of a fan. Earlier the ice cream I had hardly cooled me down. I just have to get used to my sweat beard and sticky skin. 

Peace 

Thailand Blog :: staying put

Today has been interesting. I checked out just before 11am still undecided about where to go and what to do. I had thought about visiting Ayutthaya but my heart just wasn't fully in it so I decided to join workaway and apply for numerous placements. 

As I waited for replies I had some errands to run. First I needed cash, then I cycled to Pro Bike opposite Lumphini Park (I cycled around it once) and after getting back I convinced myself I'd have one last trip to Rasayana (of which could have paid for 3 more visits to the fruit buffet...). 

I checked my emails again and had 2 responses. So far I've replied back to one that I'm interested in. It's not far from Bangkok, I'm pretty sure it's a durian growing region so I should be present for when they start coming into season and it's working in a small village that's quiet. I love quiet times where I can be alone with my thoughts. 

So I've just checked in again and I have a new room (I've been in 4 rooms now). This one has the best view, I see skyscrapers and the view at night is incredible. It reminds me of being up on the Baiyoke Sky Hotel observation deck. 

As much as I love the city, I also love the peace and quiet. I miss seeing a clear sky of stars (as in La Palma) and breathing in fresh air. I hope I can go tomorrow, but it gives me the opportunity to get to Chatuchak Market to buy an ukulele so I can play it during the evenings. Perhaps I can learn some kids songs so they can sing along during class :) 

Life lessons

I learn something new everyday, whether that be a new word in a different language or I become aware of certain things I do that I had never noticed before. Life is full of lessons and I have had a few this week. 

The first lesson I have learned is that I have been excluding myself from so many social situations that it has partly fuelled those lonely times when I just needed a friend. The reason is because of my lifestyle. 

80/10/10 aka raw veganism has changed my life incredibly in the 2 years I've known about it. I changed my diet, changed my beauty routine, changed my goals, job, even friends and this is great, BUT I have also excluded friends and family from my life and missed out on events that I would normally love to attend. I have avoided situations because I thought that these people were no longer relevant in my life because they don't eat the same as me. 

What a fool! 

I don't have anyone to blame but myself. How can I follow a so called compassionate lifestyle trying to bring balance and harmony to myself through what I eat and what I practice, yet I cut myself off from the majority of the world?! Sure I need to love myself first before I can love anyone else, but I also need to love EVERYONE and not just the minority that follow my lifestyle. And let's face it, the raw food movement is full of anger, bitterness, backstabbing, jealousy, greed and hypocrisy right now so we're not "better" than anyone else. 

Love man no matter what, for most of them are still sleeping and do not know any better. One day we will no longer be animals, we will realise our potential as spiritual beings. 

The second lesson I have learned is regarding food. I am a binge eater. I am a thoughtless eater and I am greedy. It's not really a new lesson though because I've always known this, it's just recently I have become increasingly aware of what I am doing. It's as if I am deliberately trying to make myself sick and I think subconsciously I am, so that I can learn how to break my food addiction and realise that it is absolutely ridiculous to plan everything in my life around food. And yes, you can be addicted to all foods, not just cooked ones, which I broke the addiction for last year! 

This is a third lesson. I am living for food. My travels are solely planned around food and the raw food lifestyle has encouraged these bad habits. I've listened to people who say "you need to get in the calories", "carb up", "fat makes you fat", etc. Again I only have myself to blame. I eat until I am stuffed, I eat when I think I should (because of school, jobs, etc we have to eat when we're given the free time) and I eat when I desire it, not when I am hungry. Eg say I eat a fruit meal of melon and I see durian but I'm not hungry, I'll still eat the durian. 

As I cycled to yet another fruit market I questioned my sanity. Why am I cycling around Bangkok for fruit? Why am I not submerging myself in local culture or history? I haven't seen one gallery, museum or performance in Bangkok. Last year I visited 2 temples and the rest of the time was spent shopping in the malls or hunting down fruit. 

I have spent so much money in Rasayana, it's not even funny. I have used so much time eating when I'm not necessarily hungry and where does it all go?! Down the toilet. Essentially I'm flushing money away down the toilet! 

I don't believe we need to eat as much as we are told to, especially on a raw food diet, the fact that were eating nature's candy is enough for our bodies, but the more we eat the more stress we put on ourselves. Of course my aim isn't to be an athlete, but I don't want to live my life for food. Food is medicine after all. Let's use it wisely. 

To wrap this up I want to thank one particular person from my hostel. Matthew was so open, friendly, welcoming and kind to me (and everyone else) when I met him, despite our differences in lifestyle choices he's showed me there's more to life than what we eat. I have enjoyed listening to his background (and boy what a life he's had!) and have had a good laugh. It doesn't matter what you eat, it's about what you do with your life and how you interact with people. Sure watching someone eat a dead animal has its downside, but it's no fun to constantly exclude yourself because of it. At least that's what I've discovered recently. 

We may think differently about food, but life experiences are of greater value. Plus you never know who you will influence :)