Food (not so) glorious food!

Time passes quickly, yet it feels like eating unlimited amounts of durian in Thailand was years ago. I had all of these plans to return home and fast, drink green juices, transition to a high fat low carb raw vegan diet and keep on being healthy. Well a lot of that hasn't quite happened yet and here's my story. 

When I was in Chanthaburi I started day dreaming about most of the cooked foods I was addicted to. Mainly refined carbs. I allowed myself to get carried away and I watched many YouTube videos of how to make then myself. So of course when I came home I was fuelled with these ideas, but instead of going the "healthier" route and making my own I just bought the prepared items from the shop and this ease then fuelled a long binge session. 

My weakness was always crumpets, so I ate quite a lot of them. Then I started eating toast, rice and pasta. Soon I got sick. I would eat so much that I'd wake up in the night and be so uncomfortable that making myself vomit would make me feel better. I know it's not a good thing to do, which is why I only did it twice. I hate to think about the people who become addicted to this practice. 

I believe that I do have an eating disorder though, it's called obsessive compulsive overeating. I am now at the point where I just constantly think about food and eating, and then I binge throughout the day. This isn't helped by my monotonous desk job as most of my food issues arise from boredom. 

Perhaps the next plan of action is to attend overeaters anonymous. I have already sought out local groups but I thought I could fix it all by myself. I don't think that's a possibility with the way things have been going. 

Don't get me wrong I eat healthy foods, I'm mostly raw and I've switched from eating my dad's bread to organic sprouted bread, I've also stopped eating crumpets, rice and pasta and if I cook food it's just vegetables (although I've eaten out a few times with friends). Now my issue is the portion sizes. After spending 2 years eating "unlimited" fruit and veg I've really cemented the "eat this till I'm stuffed" practice into my life, which makes it much harder to demonstrate self control when eating. 

I do practice mindfulness, but as soon as the food tantalises my taste buds I'm in a frenzied ego mode. On a side note that reminds me of GTA, but instead of killing people I'm hurting myself. 

That's the importance of this realisation. I am only hurting myself. 

Is it healthy to eat fruit and vegetables? Yes. 

Is it healthy to eat fruit and vegetables constantly throughout the day so that I never stop eating? No. 

So where do I go from here? Well I've gained the weight I originally lost, I have more fat on my stomach but more muscle on my legs. Years ago I learned that diet and exercise is 80% and 20% respectively, so I need to change my eating habits in order to attain my ideal weight/size. I've been so confused regarding diet and that's why I've just been eating whatever I want, so I have a few decisions to make. 

My goals are to be healthy, look healthy and feel healthy, so now I have to practice this wholly. I think it's important to eat lots of plant based foods. That's not changed in my mind. I think it's also important to eat raw. I quite like the idea that food should be as unprocessed as possible, so that means nothing can be blended, juiced or mixed. I think that will help me a lot and it will mean I have to chew everything, which will encourage my sensors to work properly. Then all I need to do is get in tune with these and listen to my body not my mind. 

Of course the body is just part of the health triangle. I also need to work on my mind and soul, particularly with regards to overcoming these habits and truly listening and making a bond with the creator. I recently attended a meetup that may have put me on the path to further my spiritual journey, so watch out for that. 

Much love,  Jennifer xx

Compulsive eating

I've noticed over the last week that my eating habits have become out of hand. Now I want to put down my thoughts and ideas as to why. 

I noticed that I wanted to eat because of boredom. It's not that I lack things to do here, there's plenty I can do, but I choose not to do anything and so I replace those activities with food. 

I am aware that I also become very drained around non native English speakers. It's easy enough for me to understand broken English nowadays, but when someone takes half an hour to tell me something that I could have said in 5 minutes (over exaggeration to get my point across) then I become very tired and want to retreat to my own space where I won't be disturbed by people. 

I use food as a way to escape. If I'm eating people are less inclined to have a conversation with me and the same for if I'm preparing things. 

I have forgotten that it's OK to just sit and breathe. Sometimes I think I should be doing something, even if that means eating when I'm not hungry. This precious time is vital and is called meditation! I need to get back into a routine where I meditate, love myself, give thanks, pray and contemplate. I've not been doing this recently. 

Going back to the point regarding people, I recently read an article about addiction and the discovery that it's not the drug that makes people become addicted, it's their environment, how they feel, how they interact with the world around them. In the back of my mind I have these thoughts that I am alone, there's no one like me who I will meet right now and so I go misunderstood. I cannot fully explain my being and if I could I'd be faced with unanswerable questions so I guess I bury it away and that's hiding who I am. 

Food is the easiest way to forget this or mask it because it's always been there for me. I have always eaten for comfort in the past so it's a habit I need to break. 

It's like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Right now I'm on that step backwards, but soon enough I'll be moving forward again and fingers crossed I'll be able to say I conquered compulsive eating. 

Addicted to social media

Unfortunately I must report that I am once again finding myself addicted to social media. Instead of using my time wisely, I am wasting it by watching what others are doing or waiting to hear from someone. This is not how I wanted to spend my days and I feel I'm going backwards. 

I am currently in Bangkok and have plans to hang out with some other people, but I am notifying you that once I leave Bangkok I may limit my Internet time again. 

I will still post images to Instagram, because I get great satisfaction from sharing my photos, but in terms of Facebook I will stop posting and perhaps with YouTube I will reduce my videos to 2 or 3 times a week. I have already slowed my YouTube postings down. 

I am still in search of a purpose and social media is hindering my progress. I know I need to balance my life but sometimes it's easier to just cut off the things that create the most unbalance. 

Borneo Blog :: durian addict

If you've been watching my YouTube channel and my Instagram feed you may have thought "wow, she really likes eating durian". Yes, I have enjoyed every moment of eating it, but recently I've not been enjoying the after effects, which include increased temperatures, sweating, burping, generally feeling too full because I over ate and then there's durian breath, which if I eat a durian that was too ripe can be awful!

I wanted to leave Ranau, but I decided not to because I hadn't told Sherry so I'm leaving tomorrow instead. I also decided to be more conscious of eating, so I finished the bunch of red bananas I had after waiting a few hours after getting up. The feeling of emptiness was pleasant. I headed to the market at 10 and got a yellow coconut. I think it was my first one ever and it was definitely sweeter. I enjoyed it so much I decided that I would drink 2 more for lunch and buy a small tarap. 

Normally I'd eat durian around 2 or 3pm, so when the clock struck 2 I automatically knew because I had a surge in craving durian. Yesterday I decided I was giving it up, but today because I was staying in Ranau I knew I could get it easily and cheap. So I cycled back to the market and bought 4 small wild durian for 5 ringgit and then a tray of ripe durian for 5 ringgit. 

I made sure I was fully aware of my actions and how I felt whilst eating these durian. I honestly believe I am addicted to it and I hope that I can just got cold turkey! Needless to say I over ate and felt sick. 

I have thought recently how food is a major part of my life and it's ridiculous that I am centering my entire existence upon it. I've been given an interesting book to read and it's the first educational book I've ever been excited to read! I'll tell you more about it when I finish it... Just know that it's changing my whole perspective of food. 

My aim is to stop consuming durian for the next few weeks, reduce the amount of fruit I eat and focus more on drinking liquid, listening to my body and allowing healing time. I do believe in the cycle of consumption, which goes for food as much as material consumption. So I eat when I get up, then I feel hungry again so I eat more, which causes more hunger so I eat again and again and again, etc. It's one big viscous cycle. When I eat more I want more. Same for buying things. When I shop I just want to buy more and more and more. But it's not good!

My eyes are opening further and my ideologies are changing. I think it became more apparent to me when I noticed food wasn't actually energising me anymore. This started happening before the excessive durian consumption, but it definitely played a role.