Time passes quickly, yet it feels like eating unlimited amounts of durian in Thailand was years ago. I had all of these plans to return home and fast, drink green juices, transition to a high fat low carb raw vegan diet and keep on being healthy. Well a lot of that hasn't quite happened yet and here's my story.
When I was in Chanthaburi I started day dreaming about most of the cooked foods I was addicted to. Mainly refined carbs. I allowed myself to get carried away and I watched many YouTube videos of how to make then myself. So of course when I came home I was fuelled with these ideas, but instead of going the "healthier" route and making my own I just bought the prepared items from the shop and this ease then fuelled a long binge session.
My weakness was always crumpets, so I ate quite a lot of them. Then I started eating toast, rice and pasta. Soon I got sick. I would eat so much that I'd wake up in the night and be so uncomfortable that making myself vomit would make me feel better. I know it's not a good thing to do, which is why I only did it twice. I hate to think about the people who become addicted to this practice.
I believe that I do have an eating disorder though, it's called obsessive compulsive overeating. I am now at the point where I just constantly think about food and eating, and then I binge throughout the day. This isn't helped by my monotonous desk job as most of my food issues arise from boredom.
Perhaps the next plan of action is to attend overeaters anonymous. I have already sought out local groups but I thought I could fix it all by myself. I don't think that's a possibility with the way things have been going.
Don't get me wrong I eat healthy foods, I'm mostly raw and I've switched from eating my dad's bread to organic sprouted bread, I've also stopped eating crumpets, rice and pasta and if I cook food it's just vegetables (although I've eaten out a few times with friends). Now my issue is the portion sizes. After spending 2 years eating "unlimited" fruit and veg I've really cemented the "eat this till I'm stuffed" practice into my life, which makes it much harder to demonstrate self control when eating.
I do practice mindfulness, but as soon as the food tantalises my taste buds I'm in a frenzied ego mode. On a side note that reminds me of GTA, but instead of killing people I'm hurting myself.
That's the importance of this realisation. I am only hurting myself.
Is it healthy to eat fruit and vegetables? Yes.
Is it healthy to eat fruit and vegetables constantly throughout the day so that I never stop eating? No.
So where do I go from here? Well I've gained the weight I originally lost, I have more fat on my stomach but more muscle on my legs. Years ago I learned that diet and exercise is 80% and 20% respectively, so I need to change my eating habits in order to attain my ideal weight/size. I've been so confused regarding diet and that's why I've just been eating whatever I want, so I have a few decisions to make.
My goals are to be healthy, look healthy and feel healthy, so now I have to practice this wholly. I think it's important to eat lots of plant based foods. That's not changed in my mind. I think it's also important to eat raw. I quite like the idea that food should be as unprocessed as possible, so that means nothing can be blended, juiced or mixed. I think that will help me a lot and it will mean I have to chew everything, which will encourage my sensors to work properly. Then all I need to do is get in tune with these and listen to my body not my mind.
Of course the body is just part of the health triangle. I also need to work on my mind and soul, particularly with regards to overcoming these habits and truly listening and making a bond with the creator. I recently attended a meetup that may have put me on the path to further my spiritual journey, so watch out for that.
Much love, Jennifer xx
