I never used to like the merry go round as a child. It always spun too fast for my liking and I'd either end up seriously dizzy, I'd fall off or I'd be very ill. In recent years you may have seen me push myself around one on this blog. I find that when I am in control of the merry go round I have a pleasant time.
I'm not really here to talk about merry go rounds, but actually the never ending circle or cycle I have going on right now.
I am on a spiritual journey. I never planned for this particular journey to happen. I have always been different and unconventional at times. It's unusual for me to conform so me taking on this journey isn't exactly out of the norm for me, but still, this time last year I would never have guessed I'd be on a journey to reach enlightenment.
The only problem with my journey funnily enough is me! I am my biggest problem. I get in my own way. I prevent and cause my biggest issues! In every relationship I have it is me who causes my own unhappiness. In my gratefulness challenge I said I want honesty, but I'm still too stubborn to face it, too attached to accept it and too resentful to appreciate it.
My biggest problem is how I react to people. I get overshadowed by the ego that it takes over in that moment so my head is flooded with negative thoughts and without taking time to breathe and process, I explode like a volcano. I take everything to heart, I believe that what someone is saying is true and I destroy the good in me by reacting the way I do.
I keep forgetting to stop, look and listen, or stop and breathe at the very least. I'm quick to temper, easy to offend, easy to wind up and take everything to heart. These are my problems, no one else's. That's the lesson I need to learn because I keep going in circles and it's destroying everything I'm working towards.
I don't want to be the person who keeps fucking up, I don't want to allow myself to create my own unhappiness anymore. I'm tired of being on this merry go round. I just need to find the strength to stop it and walk away in victory.
Today I walked away from the greatest man I'll ever meet.
Perhaps this is the start of the slowing down I need.
Jennifer x
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